I have been seeing a few breast feeding posts pop on my timeline this week (particularly from passionate breast feeding mummy Lauren) to co-incide with it being National Breastfeeding Week. Even though I no longer breast feed now, it is still nice to see so many who do, and I really admire those who battle on despite painful experiences and difficulties.
I have mentioned before about my own breast feeding journey and I know for some who maybe had a bad experience with breast feeding, might see that I am writing about the subject again, and think “not another pro breast feeding post”. However, I am in no way anti formula. I firmly believe that you must do what YOU as a new mummy must to get nutrients in to your baby and do whatever it takes to keep you sane and most happiest. At the end of the day yours and your baby’s health is the priority. I was lucky that I was able to feed both my children with my breasts and I also had some wonderful support.
I breast fed both of my boys until they were about 9 months old, which I am very pleased and proud of myself for doing. Both boys weaned themselves off my milk, preferring the eating of food instead in the end. Although I think Jenson may have carried on purely for the comfort side of it, as he had me to himself which he thrived on and loves (still does being such a Mummy’s boy! )
And do you know something?
I am actually glad that I am no longer breast feeding.
Don’t get me wrong I loved it while I was doing it (asides from the occasional nip once teeth started appearing!). The fact that my milk was helping my boys to develop into big healthy babies, together with the cuddle time we shared. How amazing the whole process is seeing how in tune with my body each of my babies were, knowing how to make me produce as much or as little as their stomachs needed. My breast feeding journey with Burton was definitely more enjoyable than with Jenson, although he was much harder to establish a latch on than his younger brother. I think that’s because I had more free time to devote to Burton because at the time he was an only child. Whereas poor Jenson had me feeding him while playing or talking to Burton or having Toy Story or CBeebies on. I guess I always felt more rushed with Jenson, and maybe this is why I was glad when it all came to an end earlier this year. I always thought I would be really sad when my breast feeding days came ended, especially as I don’t intend having any more babies, but I wasn’t really.
Don’t get me wrong I loved it while I was doing it (asides from the occasional nip once teeth started appearing!). The fact that my milk was helping my boys to develop into big healthy babies, together with the cuddle time we shared. How amazing the whole process is seeing how in tune with my body each of my babies were, knowing how to make me produce as much or as little as their stomachs needed. My breast feeding journey with Burton was definitely more enjoyable than with Jenson, although he was much harder to establish a latch on than his younger brother. I think that’s because I had more free time to devote to Burton because at the time he was an only child. Whereas poor Jenson had me feeding him while playing or talking to Burton or having Toy Story or CBeebies on. I guess I always felt more rushed with Jenson, and maybe this is why I was glad when it all came to an end earlier this year. I always thought I would be really sad when my breast feeding days came ended, especially as I don’t intend having any more babies, but I wasn’t really.
I was never one of those breast feeding mummy’s who make it look so easy and natural either. I am in complete awe of mums who I see popping a discreet boob out in public and feed without batting an eyelid. That’s not to say that inside they are not feeling self conscious, but if they are, you would never know. They look so serene, calm and relaxed. You don’t get glimpses of nipple or boob and some even sit while eating or sipping their drinks and chatting to whoever they are sat with.
*That* is the complete opposite to how I was whenever I had to feed in front of people indoors or outdoors (not that I did the latter very often, as I felt self conscious). I would get flustered, clammy and hot and I could never manage to get my boob out discreetly and latch my baby on with ease. I would always flash some part of my breast, my breast pad would fall to the ground or something, and I rarely successfully managed to feed without hoisting my top up!! I was rubbish! It didn’t matter really, because at the end of the day my boys got their milk, but I didn’t enjoy doing it front of people, I just felt uncomfortable. I lacked confidence. I was slightly more confident second time around, but I still didn’t have the nerve to visit a coffee shop, for example, and whip my boobs out! I would usually time it so I would be home for their next feed instead. If I got caught out then I would seek a disabled toilet and sit on the toilet and ignore the knocks on the door by impatient people waiting to use it! (this was more the case with Burton as I could never have managed it with him as a toddler waiting for me to feed his brother).
I would also feel strange feeding in front of certain family members too. Yes I know, stupid but it’s just how I am. I had no problem feeding in front of any female relatives of friends, and I was ok with my step dad or Jon’s dad seeing me but I think this was only the case because my step dad had told me not to feel embarrassed in front of him as it didn’t bother him, and with Jon’s dad he had already seen Jon’s brothers wife do it so I knew he didn’t care either. BUT I felt really strange about feeding with my grandad, my dad or my brother or uncle in the same room and I would disappear to another room if they were visiting. However, with Jenson I did relent and feed in front of my Dad one time because I had no other option but I felt uncomfortable the whole time!
It is also nice to be able to wear non maternity bras again and not have to worry about wearing an outfit where I needed to have easy access to my bra. It’s nice knowing I can now have a glass of wine if the inclination arises. It has also meant that I am more open to resuming a sexual relationship again with my partner with boobs that are not full of milk and therefore no longer have a purpose. This will sound stupid again I am sure, but while I was breast feeding there was no way I could contemplate having intimate moments because to me it felt odd because I was a feeding machine I guess and I couldn’t handle the thought of my breasts being used in a non feeding manner ( there were also lots of other reasons why I didn’t have sex for such a long time, which I wrote about here). To me while I was breast feeding they belonged to my boys and not me or my partner.
I am in no way complaining or being negative about breast feeding or my own experiences of it, because I did enjoy it very much and I loved knowing my boys got off to the best possible chance in life thanks to me: my milk, produced by my amazing body and my brilliant breasts. I feel very strongly that if you are able to breast feed then you should. I just wanted to paint the other side of the picture of how breast feeding made me feel. I think this has more to do with me and my lack of confidence in myself which I have always had and will continue to do so. I did find it tough going at times and wish I had looked more at ease with it because I have (and indeed had) breast feeding envy of all of you who make it look so easy and natural. Those who don’t get flustered or sweaty or red in the face. I take my ‘bra’ off to you because I wish I could have had the confidence you display.
Breast was best for me and my boys and I am so glad I did it, and if I were to have another (which I am not going to I hasten to add very quickly!), I would do it all over again too. It’s such a special time and experience, and it seems odd now that I even did it, because it seems such a long time ago now, even though I only stopped at the start of January this year.
If you are thinking of breast feeding, I urge you to do so and get as much help and support as you can. BUT if it isn’t for you or you have tried but cannot get along with it, please don’t beat yourself up. I have found since the birth of my eldest, that motherhood is filled with feelings of guilt and worry and comparisons.
Just be true to yourself would be my advice, for what it is worth, and do what YOU feel is best for you and your baby.
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Thank you xx
Thank you xx
Well done for writing such an honest post. And thank you for mentioning me.
I was surprised when you first said that you didn’t feel comfortable or confident to breastfeed publicly, because you always look so relaxed and confident in your photos.
Do you feel comfortable posting the photos on your blog because people won’t say anything negative? Or because if they did that its easier to respond online than if someone said something face to face?
Or do you think its because you have more control over it online? So you know exactly how much of you people are going to see? (ie Burton and/or Jenson aren’t going to pop off exposing your whole breast to the world.)
I have to admit that I get annoyed (?) at how much breastfeeding affects what I wear. It’s worth it of course but sometimes it would be nice to be able to wear something which isn’t low cut or needing to be unbuttoned.
I find if I sit and eat and drink whilst I feed when out then people tend not to notice Harry feeding so much. I’ve even taken to laying down to feed whilst out so no one notices and we are both comfortable…obviously when we are picnicing, I don’t lay down on the floor in a restaurant.
Sorry this is so long. And I hope my questions didn’t offend you. xxx
I only managed 3 months but I loved it and wished I could have gone longer. I used to get so embaressed though and at first I couldn’t even do it in front of my mum! Then by the end everyone had seen me, it’s so weird. Plus I wasn’t a smooth feeder either. I used to have to contort my boob and it was sooo not like what you’d see in one of those milk adverts! I hope with a number 2 I’d be much more of a pro but I still think I wouldn’t have the guts to feed in front of certain people!
You will feel more confident with baby number 2 i am sure, i did but just couldnt face going too public! Glad i am not the only non smooth feeder too 🙂
Thanks for commenting xx
its like a lot of my more honest and personal blog posts, for some reason i don’t have a problem posting them on here. i think its like my ‘therapy’. also the photos that are featured are me at home when apart from Jon and the boys no one else was present. so i didn’t feel uncomfortable. does that make sense? i don’t have a problem with the photos, i mean you can’t see anything ‘rude’. I think its just me as an individual. i don’t have much self confidence in myself – i am a lot better now than i used to be. when i was younger i would always go bright red and everyone would notice and tease me, so i guess that even now i don’t like being looked at and if i start to blush i feel myself getting hot and bothered (unless i am drunk lol)
if anyone wanted to make a negative remark on here they would be within their rights to do so and i would be able to say something because i don’t have to look at them face to face i guess.
Even now Lauren, just going out with the boys to the park, like today, i find it hard going and get hot and bothered pushing the buggy and trying to manage when they each want to do different things and are wondering off in different directions !!
sorry this is also long and i thank you for reading and commenting. i hope my waffle made some kind of sense?? xxx
Such an emotive subject, I loved it, but then I enjoyed having big boobs for a few months!
A great post and lovely to hear someone say they are not sad that it’s come to an end. I know I can’t really comment as I’ve not done it but it always slightly annoys me when people get so stressed and upset about finishing it, maybe I’m just annoyed that they could do it in the first place, who knows!
I had thought of you as a confident feeder (no idea what I’m basing that on though lol) I would be really nervous about feeding in front of people and I just can’t imagine doing it at all. I have no idea what I want to do this time round, I almost want to NOT be able to breastfeed so I have no option which sounds really stupid!
Lovely post. Very honest.
It’s nice to read a positive breast feeding story without it being preachy. breast feeding is such an emotive subject on both sides and yours finds the perfect balance.
Lovely pictures in this post, I feel a bit sad I don’t have any of my short stint. You did brilliantly feeding them for so long – and I know what you mean about getting your body back afterwards!
I too breastfed all of my children and found it a very mixed experience – very up and down, and I was as relieved to finish as I was sad about it. I think that it’s in our instinct to not want to carry on too long or there would be no younger siblings born (or a lot less anyway), and young humans need to be weaned for the human race to continue (if that makes any sense). What I’m saying is that your experience and feelings sound completely natural and normal to me. 🙂
Great post Jenny. I fed Mads exclusively until she was 11 months but I must admit to my experience being very up and down. I don’t think I was a natural breastfeeding mother either. Don’t get me wrong, there were times that I loved it and it was easier in the respects of not having to get up in the night for a bottle, but it certainly didn’t come naturally. I got nervous a lot in public and often snuck off to the loo to do it. Still I am thrilled I did it, and it still is the thing I am most proud of that I have done as I had a lot of problems in the beginning. x
Fantastic post. I think it’s interesting how it’s so different for everyone. i’m glad you were able to do what was right for you. I don’t have a problem breastfeeding anywhere or infront of anyone but yet am not really comfortable with putting photos of me doing it. Thanks for being so open and honest and sharing that with us all :O)
(i am a bit late responding!)
it doesn’t sound stupid Emma at all – you must do whatever you feel comfortable doing and NOT feel pressured or made to feel you must do something because you think you should to please other people. you will know whats best when the time comes xx
thank you x
thanks Rebecca thats what I hoped to do because I know it causes such strong feelings and emotions. x
thanks lovely. its a shame you dont have any to look back on, but you have your memories and the knowledge that you did breast feed your babies and thats all the is important 🙂 x
thank you for commenting. some women want to carry on for as long as possible and that is their choice, but i think my time was the right length and i am happy to have done it for that long x x
thanks Katie for reading and commenting (i am a bit late in replying!) . 11 months is brilliant and you should be proud of your efforts and i totally relate to you saying you had to sneak off to the toilet to feed. its daft isnt it ? so with baby number 2 you will have a chance to do it all again, and hopefully it will be easier and more natural and less sneaking around will be involved. good luck 🙂 xx
thank you for your comment. its funny i know i dont have a problem showing the photos but i always felt awkard in real life beast feeding! i think its because I cannot be seen live in action maybe?? who knows xx x
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