So it had been 75 weeks and 6 days since I had last had sex. Yes you heard that right – 18 months pretty much had passed since I was last intimate with my boyfriend. I was starting to wonder if I would ever do ‘it’ again.
I wrote a post back in July where I discussed how I felt after my OH had suggested that maybe I would like to get back in the ‘saddle’ again. But back then nothing was further from my mind. As I explained, in my no holds barred post, I was just not ready back then to do anything more than try and get a good nights sleep. I was knackered! Shattered in fact! I had a 4 month old baby and a two year old. I was still breast feeding around the clock; my body was still a bit alien to me and I just didn’t feel confident in myself to be naked in front of my OH in ‘that’ way again.
I was over whelmed by the positive response that post received, and all the lovely comments. I was comforted by them, and felt relieved that actually I wasn’t alone in feeling this way and I was amazed by how many other couples – well parents- were also preferring sleep to sex. Maybe it is something that affects us older mums and dads more than younger ones as we know that not everything revolves around sex in a relationship. Or maybe being older we can’t cope with feeling so tired and finding the energy to be sexually active again.
So the months passed and my OH and I continued to live together more like lodgers who shared a bed really rather than a couple. We barely even kissed each other goodnight let alone cuddle or be romantic with one another as we don’t have ‘date’ nights or anything. Every now and then I did wonder to myself if my OH was missing his non existent sex life but he never spoke about it and neither did I. Truth be told, I had my suspicions that he had read that post, and I really wanted him to because I had hoped that it might encourage him to talk to me about ‘us’ and how he felt so that I could tell him how I felt by us speaking to one another. Yes, that old fashioned way of communicating with one another – having a conversation that wasn’t in cyber space! Yet he never once mentioned it, or my post, and I never brought the subject up either.
I was really starting to think that he no longer saw me as anything more than the mother to his two children and someone who cooked and cleaned for him! I know, I know that I said (back in July) that I was against any kind of physical contact, but that was months ago and time is a healer. Very slowly I was starting to accept my new body shape a bit more. I suppose I started to think that maybe I would like to have sex again.
Basically, my OH and I were stuck in a rut and it seemed like nothing was going to free us from it. Neither of us were making the effort to end it either. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had gone off me sexually, or even from a fancying point of view. I mean I was still wearing nursing bras up until a couple of weeks ago, which are hardly alluring especially with the added pads! Also I was still mostly wearing my maternity and post baby black comfy pants which again, were not at all sexy – but I didn’t feel sexy, so why would I bother to make an effort with my underwear? (something my Pre-baby self would never allow to have happened!). I covered myself up with loose fitting clothes in bed aswell so hardly surprising that my OH felt no desire to go near me.
Then a couple of weeks ago, I was discussing relationships with another blogger who identified with my situation, and I was explaining that I didn’t even think my OH loved me anymore let alone find me desirable. I was actually on the verge of penning another post about my relationship, sex life, or lack of it, in the hopes that he might read it and then he would discover how I was feeling now 6 months later and it might encourage him to bring the subject up. But something my blogger friend said to me made me realise that I needed to address the situation face to face and not hide behind my blog. I had to talk to him regardless of what he might have to say and I was very nervous because, of course, I feared the worse and wasn’t sure that I would want to hear what he would say in answer to my questions.
The next day, a Saturday, I waited for my chance to speak to him, which, with two children around, is never easy is it? I won’t go into too much detail, for obvious reasons, but I basically asked him if he still wanted me in ‘that way’ and found me attractive after going through two pregnancies. He said that he hadn’t thought about it!! Hmmm….I don’t know if I believe that but ok, because as he said, after reading my post and reading how I felt about sex back then he decided not to bother mentioning it again. Fair enough, I guess. I deserved that.
I tried to explain how I had been feeling all this time; how post pregnancy made me feel, how he made me feel and how it had taken me a long time to get to this point and I hoped he understood that. I explained my reasons for writing it all down on my blog and told him that it was in no way intended as a direct criticism of him, but a way for me to express how I felt at the time. I wanted to see if anyone else felt the same as me (I don’t think he really ‘gets the whole blogging thing anyway), and how I was so relieved to know I wasn’t alone, that others were in the same situation. I also told him that I had hoped he might have reacted to it by discussing it with me, but of course he didn’t. I think men don’t find it as easy to talk about such things as women do.
So I took a deep breath and decided to ask him. I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me again. I think he was a little taken a back – he hadn’t been expecting this conversation and I hadn’t myself up until a few hours before. I guess I just realised that one of us had to make the first move in moving us forward and out of the rut we had become stuck in, and as I was the one who wrote about how I felt for all the world to read, I may aswell be the one to do it.
So as I said at the start of this post, it had been 75 weeks and 6 days since I had last had sex – yes ‘had’ been. I used the past tense – did you see what I did there!!??
Seriously though, these last few months taught me some important things:
- I needed to make my relationship work again as a girlfriend and not just as a mummy.
- We needed to discover ‘us’ again and move ourselves forward and become a proper couple again.
- I found the courage to speak up and have the conversation that I had been dreading, and it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined.
I think having children definitely changes your relationship with your partner; sometime for the better and sometimes for the worse. It isn’t easy working through it but it can be done.
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Thank you xx