So it had been 75 weeks and 6 days since I had last had sex. Yes you heard that right – 18 months pretty much had passed since I was last intimate with my boyfriend. I was starting to wonder if I would ever do ‘it’ again.
I wrote a post back in July where I discussed how I felt after my OH had suggested that maybe I would like to get back in the ‘saddle’ again. But back then nothing was further from my mind. As I explained, in my no holds barred post, I was just not ready back then to do anything more than try and get a good nights sleep. I was knackered! Shattered in fact! I had a 4 month old baby and a two year old. I was still breast feeding around the clock; my body was still a bit alien to me and I just didn’t feel confident in myself to be naked in front of my OH in ‘that’ way again.
I was over whelmed by the positive response that post received, and all the lovely comments. I was comforted by them, and felt relieved that actually I wasn’t alone in feeling this way and I was amazed by how many other couples – well parents- were also preferring sleep to sex. Maybe it is something that affects us older mums and dads more than younger ones as we know that not everything revolves around sex in a relationship. Or maybe being older we can’t cope with feeling so tired and finding the energy to be sexually active again.
So the months passed and my OH and I continued to live together more like lodgers who shared a bed really rather than a couple. We barely even kissed each other goodnight let alone cuddle or be romantic with one another as we don’t have ‘date’ nights or anything. Every now and then I did wonder to myself if my OH was missing his non existent sex life but he never spoke about it and neither did I. Truth be told, I had my suspicions that he had read that post, and I really wanted him to because I had hoped that it might encourage him to talk to me about ‘us’ and how he felt so that I could tell him how I felt by us speaking to one another. Yes, that old fashioned way of communicating with one another – having a conversation that wasn’t in cyber space! Yet he never once mentioned it, or my post, and I never brought the subject up either.
I was really starting to think that he no longer saw me as anything more than the mother to his two children and someone who cooked and cleaned for him! I know, I know that I said (back in July) that I was against any kind of physical contact, but that was months ago and time is a healer. Very slowly I was starting to accept my new body shape a bit more. I suppose I started to think that maybe I would like to have sex again.
Basically, my OH and I were stuck in a rut and it seemed like nothing was going to free us from it. Neither of us were making the effort to end it either. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had gone off me sexually, or even from a fancying point of view. I mean I was still wearing nursing bras up until a couple of weeks ago, which are hardly alluring especially with the added pads! Also I was still mostly wearing my maternity and post baby black comfy pants which again, were not at all sexy – but I didn’t feel sexy, so why would I bother to make an effort with my underwear? (something my Pre-baby self would never allow to have happened!). I covered myself up with loose fitting clothes in bed aswell so hardly surprising that my OH felt no desire to go near me.
Then a couple of weeks ago, I was discussing relationships with another blogger who identified with my situation, and I was explaining that I didn’t even think my OH loved me anymore let alone find me desirable. I was actually on the verge of penning another post about my relationship, sex life, or lack of it, in the hopes that he might read it and then he would discover how I was feeling now 6 months later and it might encourage him to bring the subject up. But something my blogger friend said to me made me realise that I needed to address the situation face to face and not hide behind my blog. I had to talk to him regardless of what he might have to say and I was very nervous because, of course, I feared the worse and wasn’t sure that I would want to hear what he would say in answer to my questions.
The next day, a Saturday, I waited for my chance to speak to him, which, with two children around, is never easy is it? I won’t go into too much detail, for obvious reasons, but I basically asked him if he still wanted me in ‘that way’ and found me attractive after going through two pregnancies. He said that he hadn’t thought about it!! Hmmm….I don’t know if I believe that but ok, because as he said, after reading my post and reading how I felt about sex back then he decided not to bother mentioning it again. Fair enough, I guess. I deserved that.
I tried to explain how I had been feeling all this time; how post pregnancy made me feel, how he made me feel and how it had taken me a long time to get to this point and I hoped he understood that. I explained my reasons for writing it all down on my blog and told him that it was in no way intended as a direct criticism of him, but a way for me to express how I felt at the time. I wanted to see if anyone else felt the same as me (I don’t think he really ‘gets the whole blogging thing anyway), and how I was so relieved to know I wasn’t alone, that others were in the same situation. I also told him that I had hoped he might have reacted to it by discussing it with me, but of course he didn’t. I think men don’t find it as easy to talk about such things as women do.
I tried to explain how I had been feeling all this time; how post pregnancy made me feel, how he made me feel and how it had taken me a long time to get to this point and I hoped he understood that. I explained my reasons for writing it all down on my blog and told him that it was in no way intended as a direct criticism of him, but a way for me to express how I felt at the time. I wanted to see if anyone else felt the same as me (I don’t think he really ‘gets the whole blogging thing anyway), and how I was so relieved to know I wasn’t alone, that others were in the same situation. I also told him that I had hoped he might have reacted to it by discussing it with me, but of course he didn’t. I think men don’t find it as easy to talk about such things as women do.
So I took a deep breath and decided to ask him. I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me again. I think he was a little taken a back – he hadn’t been expecting this conversation and I hadn’t myself up until a few hours before. I guess I just realised that one of us had to make the first move in moving us forward and out of the rut we had become stuck in, and as I was the one who wrote about how I felt for all the world to read, I may aswell be the one to do it.
So as I said at the start of this post, it had been 75 weeks and 6 days since I had last had sex – yes ‘had’ been. I used the past tense – did you see what I did there!!??
Seriously though, these last few months taught me some important things:
- I needed to make my relationship work again as a girlfriend and not just as a mummy.
- We needed to discover ‘us’ again and move ourselves forward and become a proper couple again.
- I found the courage to speak up and have the conversation that I had been dreading, and it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined.
I think having children definitely changes your relationship with your partner; sometime for the better and sometimes for the worse. It isn’t easy working through it but it can be done.
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Thank you xx
Thank you xx
Excellent post missus, well done for having the courage to discuss your relationship with him and how you were feeling. Hurrah!
Thank you kindly 🙂
X
I’m so glad you posted this.
Makes me feel better about a few things here.
Thank you xx
Thanks Lauren i am always a little nervous about posting such posts but comments like yours makes me glad i did and to know we are not alone or unusual as these things happen to so many of us xx
Yay for sex! Yay for you! Well done for approaching the situation honestly, as you said, time is a great healer 🙂
Hurrah!!! But I sooo know what you mean. For months all I wants to do was sleep and even the thought of a bit of extra curricula activity could drive me to tears. I have a v understanding hubby but like yours he’s not a great talker so that drives me batty… “why doesn’t he say anything, what does that mean? Does he still like me? Arrrgh!”.
What a wonderful and honest post. I am pleased to hear you have spoken openly with your husband and you are working on sorting how you are feeling. And yay to sex. Way to go. I am sure there are many woman, myself included who feel unsexy and unloved after having children. xx
Thank you and for taking the time to read and comment. I still dont feel sexy but it’s a step in the right direction of us I guess and it was a little confidence booster. Which is something we all need from time to time. We still have a long way to go but I broke the ice I guess. Xx
Mine won’t discuss anything! We could have carried on as we were for months longer I think but we weren’t moving on withothr t lives as a couple.We still have a way to go but at least we have started making time for us and it is nice to know that he does care about me more than I though he did. BUT still want more sleep lol thanks for reading and commenting xx
Thanks Kerry and yes time is. Still don’t feel super sexy (never did) but at least we are out of our rut! Xx
wow, what an amazing and honest post! I totally understand where you are coming from as 4 months after giving birth one is surely not feeling all that sexy, let alone if it is baby number 2 in 2 years and a bit. I also understand his viewpoint in waiting for you to make a move, as your July post was indeed a move of sort. Glad it’s all sorted now and do please try to have a date night every once in a while as they are very nice, different after kids, but nice. x
Ahhh well done you for making the first move and I’m so pleased. I didn’t read the original post, I will go and read it in a min, but I can totally understand how with two kids you must have found it hard to have the energy or time to even think about sex. I totally agree that it’s not all about sex but there is something about the emotional connection that it sets off that I love – it makes me feel so bonded to Dad2BabyInsomniac – until he does something annoying anyway! Before we split up last time I never wanted to have sex, I was on the pill and it made me never want to have sex, I got angry when he even tried – it all came out after a while that it made him feel really rejected. Luckily now I’m off the pill I don’t mind having sex again, it’s made quite a difference to our relationship – not that we do it that often but it’s quality not quantity! I think it is hard to feel sexy when you’re a mum but I guess we just have to remember that the men in our lives most definitely think we are! xx
Oh I can so relate to this. After our first two children we didn’t do the deed for many months. To be honest I was cool with that as I felt so unsexy. This time around things have been better. Good on you for being honest and talking about this subject as you have made lots of people feel a lot less like failures.
thank you Ella for commenting. i still don’t feel sexy but at least i know i can’t be THAT bad xx
thanks Jess and its also nice to know that even younger coupled have the same kind of ‘problems’ as us oldies lol x
thank you for reading and commenting. i think we may try to go out for a meal at the end of the month for his birthday which will be the first time we have done so in about 2 years!! x
You brave lady. That took guts and I admire you for talking to hIM. it is so easy to put each other on the backburner but you are both important too. I hope that is the way forward for you both again. I often prefer sleep over sex…seriously it’s sleep! But once in throws of sex I often find myself remembering it is quite fun and what was i making a fuss for! Maybe you can plan something for valentines. Then you can say you have had sex in Jan and Feb! xx
Thanks Kerry. To be honest it wasn’t really about sex I would have been happy with a romantic gesture of some kind as I jst wanted reassurance that we were ‘we’. But seeing as though romantic gestures were not available I did what I did!
Must be harder for you and your hubby to be ‘romantic’ with three children including twins! Xx
Well done honey, I know that this was and will remain an important issue for you and Jon. Like you say, you have taken the first steps to rediscovering each other individually and as a couple again, I think it is a fabulous start. You are definitely going out for Jon’s birthday – I will be babysitting so neither of you have any excuses to not have some “you” together. It will be my pleasure. Kxxx
Well done you for talking about it. I think we are all probably similar…..I’m with Kerry on the prefering sleep thing! xxx
Go Jenny! You’re so brave and brilliant to write about this. I was just talking about this with a mummy friend yesterday! David will never be the one to ask me if I’m ready so I know it’s going to be me saying “alright love, fancy a bit of how’s-your-father” and being sleep-deprived, when will I ever be ready to say that?! I’m not too stressed out, I was last time, but ask me in another few monthsv:)
I hope it out a spring in your step too 😉
So glad you’re on the road to sorting things out for the better – this is a really brave post to write and share, so many people will identify with it and I certainly would rather opt for sleep 9 times out of 10, although I will admit that sometimes it’s almost just getting going with “it” makes me remember that sometimes it is good to forego a bit of sleep ha ha xx
Great post, well done for writing something so personal, not something I could do on my blog anymore as the whole bloody expat community would probably read it, supermarket trips would never be the same!
I had similar issues, and we’ve had a few evenings now where we’ve been sort of back to the old days – well I’m sure you guessed we’d had at least one 😉 I am worried what we happen after this baby arrives as I’m guessing it will be like after Leo but worse. Saying that pregnancy is suiting me in that respect as it’s made me much more enthusiastic about it!
Very brave to put all up in cyber space. You have so done the right thing making that move. As a Mum with 6 and the youngest now 7 I can honestly say if you both make an effort things do get better as the kids get older and it is worth making that effort!
thank you for your comment – i don’t know how you find the time or have the energy!!! 🙂 x
thank you for commenting. i would still prefer a good nights sleep but i don’t know if that will ever happen!!! best to do ‘it’ early in the evening so i can still get to bed on time!! x
thanks Linds – it wasn’t easy and i would still like some good sleep but goodness knows when i will get a decent nights sleep!! anyway it took me til J was over 9 months so you have plenty of time yet!! x
thank you and i am of the preferring to sleep tou if i am honest!! x
thanks lovely xx
thanks Emma. to be honest thats how it was after Burton we had just started to have sex when i fell pregnant again!! never been so celibate!! you will work it out i am sure when the time comes again xx
Excellent post, I wonder if you should write another follow up… maybe you have?
I do think we can very easily loose our way and identity when we have children, I know I did.
Thank you for linking up The Ana Mum Diary x