Last Sunday night as I put the boys to sleep I was feeling very emotional. Burton was due to start school the following morning, and I had spent most of the day (not to mention most of the last few weeks) on the verge of tears at the sheer thought of it and all the emotions I was feeling inside. On top of which I did not want either of the boys to see me cry because I don’t like to in front of them. Anyway, after my usual laying on the floor next to Jenson while he dozed off, I got up to kiss a still awake but almost asleep Burton goodnight, when he out of the blue asked to hold my hand and if I would stay until he fell asleep.
Well, that little invitation just tipped me over the edge! I was trying my hardest to stifle my tears which started my nose to run and I was having to sniff a lot and compose my voice when he asked me a couple of questions, because I did not want him to see me cry and ask me why I was. As I held his hand in mine I stroked his hair too and after about 10 minutes he fell asleep. Then it was like the flood gates were opened and I cried my heart out. I cried at the fact that my boy was off to school in the morning and as much as I knew he would enjoy it and it was going to be alright, at that moment I did not want to ever let go of his hand. I did not want to allow this next stage of his life happen and change what we had already.
Sat there holding his hand and having stroked his soft blonde hair to help him fall off to sleep, well it also made me feel all teary because it brought back all those memories of holding him in my arms as he fell asleep as a baby. Those times when he awoke in the night and I would try to coax him back by stroking his head and holding his hand, which would more often than not result in me picking him up and allowing him to fall asleep on me again! The countless times I have laid on the bedroom floor waiting for him to go to or return to sleep holding his hand through the bars of his cot. Holding hands on the sofa while watching a Cbeebies show or a film.
I know that just because Burton is going to school does not mean he will never again want or need me to stroke his head or hold his hand, but on Sunday night that hand holding seemed to signify something different. Like letting go of his hand was me having to accept that tomorrow i was having to let him go off to school. That from now on little by little I have to keep on letting him go and accept that as much as he still needs me, he will need me less in some ways but hopefully still as much in others.
Last Sunday night, I held on to that little chunky hand more tightly than I have ever done and I sat there in the dark crying as quietly as I could holding it longer than I needed too.
This is not the best photo in the world by any means, as I took it sat in the dark with the flash on – but it means so much and speaks volumes to me.
The next morning I let that little hand and its owner go off to school – I let it and him go. BUT I was there to hold it again at 3.15pm.
This post was brought to you as part of Flashback Friday
Remember – a flashback can be from any time whether it be yesterday, last week, last month, last year or yesteryear! It can be a flashback of your own, your children, your partner or your friends.