Last Sunday night as I put the boys to sleep I was feeling very emotional. Burton was due to start school the following morning, and I had spent most of the day (not to mention most of the last few weeks) on the verge of tears at the sheer thought of it and all the emotions I was feeling inside. On top of which I did not want either of the boys to see me cry because I don’t like to in front of them. Anyway, after my usual laying on the floor next to Jenson while he dozed off, I got up to kiss a still awake but almost asleep Burton goodnight, when he out of the blue asked to hold my hand and if I would stay until he fell asleep.
Well, that little invitation just tipped me over the edge! I was trying my hardest to stifle my tears which started my nose to run and I was having to sniff a lot and compose my voice when he asked me a couple of questions, because I did not want him to see me cry and ask me why I was. As I held his hand in mine I stroked his hair too and after about 10 minutes he fell asleep. Then it was like the flood gates were opened and I cried my heart out. I cried at the fact that my boy was off to school in the morning and as much as I knew he would enjoy it and it was going to be alright, at that moment I did not want to ever let go of his hand. I did not want to allow this next stage of his life happen and change what we had already.
Sat there holding his hand and having stroked his soft blonde hair to help him fall off to sleep, well it also made me feel all teary because it brought back all those memories of holding him in my arms as he fell asleep as a baby. Those times when he awoke in the night and I would try to coax him back by stroking his head and holding his hand, which would more often than not result in me picking him up and allowing him to fall asleep on me again! The countless times I have laid on the bedroom floor waiting for him to go to or return to sleep holding his hand through the bars of his cot. Holding hands on the sofa while watching a Cbeebies show or a film.
I know that just because Burton is going to school does not mean he will never again want or need me to stroke his head or hold his hand, but on Sunday night that hand holding seemed to signify something different. Like letting go of his hand was me having to accept that tomorrow i was having to let him go off to school. That from now on little by little I have to keep on letting him go and accept that as much as he still needs me, he will need me less in some ways but hopefully still as much in others.
Last Sunday night, I held on to that little chunky hand more tightly than I have ever done and I sat there in the dark crying as quietly as I could holding it longer than I needed too.
This is not the best photo in the world by any means, as I took it sat in the dark with the flash on – but it means so much and speaks volumes to me.
The next morning I let that little hand and its owner go off to school – I let it and him go. BUT I was there to hold it again at 3.15pm.
This post was brought to you as part of Flashback Friday
Remember – a flashback can be from any time whether it be yesterday, last week, last month, last year or yesteryear! It can be a flashback of your own, your children, your partner or your friends.
Awww such a lovely post. It’s hard when they go off to school. You realise just how much they are growing up and how fast they are growing. I hate that during the week, I only see Z for 4 hours at the most because he’s at school and then I have to go to work. But it’s a nice feeling seeing them making friends and going on play dates and showing off everything they have learned at school. x
thanks Laura, it is hard but as you say it will be wonderful seeing him do well at school. x
Oh my God, sobbing. Hug. Can’t say anything else.
sorry to make you cry (hugs) back x
There you go again, making me cry from reading such an heartfelt flashback. Oh Jen, I really was thinking of you on Sunday night as well as Monday morning. I hope Burton has had a good first week at school and you have been okay as each day passes? You will have many more occasions of holding his hand, even when it is bigger than your own and no doubt, Burton will be the one asking you again to do so. Much love, Kxxx
sorry to make you cry again. he has had a great first week and i cannot believe its been a week since this post was written about! x
oh my…such a lovely post. Can’t hold back the tears. The thought of my lill baby, my gorgeous boy going to school and being away from me a whole day, several days a week is highly scary!
sorry i am making everyone cry!!! xx
All the raw emotion of my little boy starting school has now popped back to the surface thanks to your beautifully written post. It’s so hard this letting go business isn’t it. Big hugs.
thank you xx
Lovely lovely post! It sounds like he really loves it from looking at your tweets. I hope it’s a lot better for you this week xx
he is enjoying it so that does help. as long as i dont think about it too much i am ok x
Aww big hugs, what a lovely post xx
thank you lovely x
oh my goodness… this post is not good for reading sneakily as my desk with pregnancy hormones raging!!
sorry lovely x
Oh my goodness Jenny, I am crying at this. What a beautiful, emotional, heartwarming, and just LOVELY post. This is honestly such a wonderful read. I can totally feel every single emotion you are feeling by reading it. I have goosebumps. x
i am so sorry i made you cry but thank you for such a lovely comment. I am so pleased i have this blog to vent my emotions on and to be able to record how I feel about things so it wont be forgotten as i get old and senile lol xx
Aw, I hope things are feeling better now. H had her first full day today too, and it’s such a huge thing isn’t it? I haven’t cried yet, I think I’ve switched it all off, I just talk absolute rubbish to whoever will listen to me. That seems to be my way of coping.
It is the rest of their lives now isn’t it? But it’s a good thing I think. I know school will make H an even better person – she may be the youngest in the year but she’s doing just as well as any September baby right now, and I think my fears about her age were my biggest problem, when actually I should have just got on with things. I hope you’ve had a good day today too x
oh you are good not to have cried – i have lots!! I could cry again now if i read that post again! I just feel it is too soon to send them off into the world and i know they have to be schooled but why at 4!!!
B was only 4 last July so he is one of the youngest in his class too. Both of our children will be fine – it is just their mums who may not be x x
That was such a beautiful post! I too had a similar experience. My son is now at school too 🙁 thank you for sharing!!
thank you for your lovely comment. I hope you are ok (hug) x
Such a beautiful and heartfelt post – it’s so hard to let them go bit by bit, you want them to thrive without you and be independent but you want them to still want their mummy and to keep them cuddled up and protected with you forever. Sigh. Hope Burton has had a good first week, am sure he’s done brilliantly! xx
Such a beautiful post Jenny!
This is what i always remind myself in the early morning hours when i am cuddling or feeding my youngest to sleep. That the time passes so quickly so you shouldn’t wish a single second of it away x
thanks Katie. it is true you must not wish away any time because all too soon it is gone and (oops here come tears again – I am such a saddo) they are off to school! *sniffs* . But he is enjoying it so that helps x x
Oh Jenny. This is so beautiful and made me cry so much.
I know exactly how you feel.
Charles has been scooting from the car into the school and the last 2 days I’ve made him walk so I can get those extra few minutes of hand holding.
xx