Jenson’s 1st day At School

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My dearest Jenson,

It has happened your first day of school, and I am an emotional wreck. For a long time, I actually thought that maybe you going to school was not going to affect me in the same way that it did when Burton started 2 years ago.

This is because with the build up to him going to school, I would get tears as soon as I thought about it, like months before! However, thinking about you starting did not have this affect on me…..until last week, when I got you to try on your new uniform to make sure it fitted ok, and to adjust your shorts ready for your first day. Suddenly my boy who is tall for his age, seemed very small and then my eyes watered, and a lump was in my throat and right then and there it hit me that I was not ok with you starting after all!

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I suppose when Burton started as much as I hated the thought of him starting that new chapter in his life, I still had you at home with me. Other mums who only had one child, or who had all of their children in school, did remind me of this fact at the time and of course they were right. I know this full well now! Just having you at home gave us the chance to make lots of memories on our own without big brother taking over, and I hope we have made some good ones. Yes I feel guilty that maybe we watched too much TV some days, and that we went to playgroup too often because of me helping there when we could have had that time doing things by ourselves out and about. I know aswell that you had to attend a lot of PTA meetings and events, bless you , you were so good about all of that.

Seeing you this morning, in your school uniform I felt so proud and I love you so much. I am sorry I had a few tears at bedtime last night which made you do the same. But I will miss you my darling, your cheeky face, your constant request for baked beans and you storming off when things don’t go your way. I am so sorry for the times I moaned about you being too clingy as a toddler, or the times I had to lie next to you on the floor while you slept, and all those nights you woke me up because you needed me to get you back to sleep. I am sorry because right now I would rewind the clock and do it all again in an instant to have that time all over again. 

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But, I know that is not possible and I have to welcome this new chapter in your life and I wish you all the very best because you are such a special little boy. Your  favourite colours are pink and purple, you exclaim that you wish you had long hair like me so you could style it, and who always brushes his cheeks with my bronzing brush and who adores his monkey. I am going to miss you so much – we have had such fun shopping together and  stopping in cafes for a drink and  visiting friends, because you are very sociable and a pleasure to take (on your own – not with Burton as you both play me up then!).  

I am total wreck today without you and cannot stop crying, silly mummy that I am! I went shopping after I dropped you off, and I felt a little lost without my little helper and shopper by my side. I just feel empty, sad and lost .  I will be ok, but today, right now I feel utterly devastated I just want you to read this one day and realise that I love you so much and you made me so proud today. You were so excited about getting your uniform on, you ran down the path to school and you were so brave when it was time to say goodbye. Holding onto my hand as you did, not wanting to let go and looking like you could cry, but unlike me you held it together so well. I am very proud of you. 

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I saw this yesterday, and it totally sums up how I am feeling

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So take this huge step, this new milestone without me, and remember that I love you so very much Jenson, and I always will.

Lots of love, always

Mummy xxx

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6 Comments

  1. Oh, Jenny! I remember having a conversation with you when Burton was starting school. I tried to comfort you having been through all the milestones and out of the other side. Of course you will soon get into your new schedule probably helping with reading and craft things and outings for both boys. I’m sure you’ll be putting your name down for the PTA…maybe even, as I did, become a Governor.
    I’m here to tell you you are feeling all the things Mummies are supposed to feel. You’ll be ok, I promise xx

  2. Oh my goodness, starting school already. Even I’ve got a tear in my eye reading this. Big hugs to you all. Loving the photos of you all, just gorgeous xx

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