I often look back over my time as a Mummy so far and find it hard to recall what life was like before when I only had me (and my business) to worry and think about. I often used to daydream about what it would be like to have a baby of my own. I still had no idea what I was letting myself in for really when I found out I was pregnant. I mean everyone tells you their experiences of what being a parent is, and what it meant to them, but as much as you nod your head and smile along with them describing parenthood to you, until you actually have a child of your own you really do not have any concept of what it is going to be like. At least that is how I see it now, looking back and remembering life BC (before children).
Yet towards the end of my first pregnancy, it suddenly hit me that very soon I would have a baby; a little person who would rely on me for everything ……. forever! What a huuuuuuge responsibility! I started to panic a little and I wondered if I could actually manage and be a good Mummy. I suddenly stopped worrying about giving birth and instead worried about coping with a baby once it was born. Too late by then to be thinking about this I know, but it did scare me ; I mean what if after years of wanting one of my own, I wasn’t actually able to cope with bringing up a baby?
 |
| 5 hours old |
I remember a few hours after Burton was born and I was with him for the first time on my own up on the ward, I just sat and looked at him.
Looked at him properly and tried to take it all in. I thought about how I felt to finally be his Mummy. All the usual feelings any new mum must feel I expect, happy and elated that my baby was finally here – so perfect and healthy it felt like a dream! That over whelming love that other parents try to explain to you, but you realise once your baby is born that you could never have imagined how it felt now you actually understood and felt it yourself. Amazing isnt it?
I also felt scared.
 |
| tired mummy.com |
 |
| home at last! |
I was also anxious that I might not cope with the breast feeding, getting him to latch on, the nappy changing, the crying and screaming, the sleepless nights , you know, all the normal newborn baby concerns that I am sure every parent has.
 |
| even more tired mummy.com (5 hours after ~Jenson was born) |
 |
| during Jensons 1st week at home |
On the one hand I was more prepared the second time around, I mean I had been there, done that, worn the tee shirt, (which got covered in sick, snot and dribble!) and I knew what having a baby was like. You don’t enter into a second pregnancy without having an understanding of what to expect. I was more laid back with Jenson – more so when I was feeling rational of course and not sleep deprived which makes any problem seem ten times worse! I knew what signs to look out for the second time and therefore I didn’t worry or panic quite as much.
 |
| with Burton trying to stay awake! |
However, I didn’t know was how I was going to cope with being up all night with a baby and then having to stay awake all day to entertain Burton! That was hard work. I was so knackered and yet it didn’t seem as bad as the first time round, but I guess that was because I knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel.I knew things would improve : that I would get more that 2 hours sleep eventually! Wooo hoooo I then got 4! Whereas with Burton it was all so new,so alien as I had nothing to compare it against. I just muddled along as best I could in a haze of complete and utter exhaustion. I did what ever I had to to get through those first few months.
Yes, there are times when I would love to go to the toilet on my own in peace and not have Burton try to wipe my bottom or pass me minuscule pieces of toilet paper (!) . To watch a film on a sunday afternoon with my feet up or get a full nights sleep and sleep past 7.30am. To read a book or wear clothes that don’t get covered in some kind of bodily fluid !! BUT there is no way I would want to return to my life before because it didn’t fulfil me in the same way motherhood does.
As I said at the start of this post, I didn’t know what I was letting myself in for when I became a Mummy and now 27months later I still don’t really!
Do you feel the same way?
Thank you xx
When you say haze utter confusion, it sums it up so well! I was knocked for six during those first few weeks and I think a second would easier but like you I’m not sure how I’d cope with entertaining a toddler! I love how Burton wants to wipe your bottom, hee hee!
The whole of motherhood is a journey into the unknown. Joe is 23 and still calls on mum and dad with his problems! It never gets dull and it almost certainly never ends!!! Enjoy every moment of those beautiful boys!! xxx
Oh Jenny, this is a wonderful post! You’re so honest and it’s exactly what we all feel at one time or another. And it looks like you’ve done rather famously. It is scary…being a mother. Getting the baby out is probably the easy part. The rest is for the whole of your LIFE. And the unknown…the what-if’s? Goodness me…it is worrying. I’m trying to remember what having a wee baby is all like. In 3 short weeks I’ll be back there muddling through…AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Thanks so much for sharing this lovely post. Well done you for being a fabulous Mummy!
🙂 Karin
I agree with it all, I spent years imagining life with a small baby and it was nothing like reality really, it was better and worse all at the same time! I too made Aaron dress Leo, change his 1st nappy and give him his 1st bath as I was too scared. On one hand I’d love to have another knowing what I know now, it would be so different, but on the other I think I couldn’t do it all again – esp with Leo, it was hard enough the first time!
All the time! I constantly think, ‘am I doing this right?’. Great post, really enjoyed reading it.
Lovely post. I think you speak for Mothers the world over! (Can’t stop looking at the photo of you when he was 5 hours old – you look bloody amazing!)
Ahhh, I love this post! I think you’re doing a brilliant job. As you know, I’ll soon have two, and it’s been so nice to read your journey over the last year or so. Fills me with confidence that I can do as well, ha ha! xx
Lovely touching post. So honest and so true.
Thank you!! You will be fine I am sure…..if I can just about do it anyone can!! X
Thnak you! I think mums in general are rather special aren’t they/we? Oh and thanks I was knackered and just got home from hospital . Still the biscuit barrel wasn’t too far away lol x
Glad it isn’t just me! Thank you for popping by and reading x
Lovely, honest blog. Becoming a parent has been totally overwhelming for me – in a good way! I was concentrating on being scared of the birth and hadn’t massively considered what would happen after, when we got our wee man home. As it happens, I had a quick birth, 17 days early, and was thrown into parenthood without having much time on maternity leave to really think about what was about to happen. Nothing could have prepared me for the strength of my feelings for my son, how much it would change me (for the better) and how he has taught me patience, true incredible love and what life is really all about. Like you feel about your boys, I feel it is a privilege to know and care for my amazing son. The first few months are hard but so rewarding and if I am lucky to do it all again, which I hope to, I know that I would have more confidence in myself to make the right decisions for my family and have more confidence by drawing from my experience from my first son. In short, there is nothing like being a parent – it rocks more than anything else in the world!
thanks Ella x
we are so alike Emma and makes me think how well we would get on in real life too. thanks for commenting xx
Beautiful post, Jenny! I think you can stop worrying so much right away. Your little boys are very lucky to have you as a Mummy! xx
So much of this resonated with me. I remember that feeling of first being alone with my first baby and feeling quite apprehensive about what to do and although there are other worries with number two, perhaps the most vivid feeling is relief that the anxiety isn’t there. I was so much more confident second time around. Still, they are all so different that I totally agree it feels like muddling through it all