Tuesday marked the first anniversary of my Na passing away. It seems hard to believe that a whole year has passed since he died but there it is. I know this may seem a strange thing to do, but I wanted to write a letter to him to get some stuff off my chest which I know he will never read, but I think I need to do this for me.
Dear Na,
It has been a year now since you left us. I often think about you and the series of events which led to your sad passing, and thinking if only this and if only that then maybe you would not have died in the way that you did.
I know that you lived a good long life and I am so pleased about that, but I wish you had not had to die in hospital because I recall your words to Mum as we both bid you goodnight that Sunday evening, and how upset Mum was as we walked away. You did not want to be there – you were getting angry, upset and worked up about that fact that Mum would not take you home to your house, which I told her as we walked back to the car was probably the drugs talking. In fact I was pleased that you were showing signs of spirit and still had some fight left in you, it made me think that maybe, just maybe, you could come through this.
However, since your death I have often thought back to that final night of your life and realised that maybe you were so adament that you had to go home because you knew that you were about to die, and wanted to be in the place where you have so many happy memories to be your final resting place and not a hospital.
By the following morning, you had slipped into a coma and never came around and later that afternoon Mum, Nanny and Uncle Richard decided to switch off the life suppoort and let you slip away peacefully. I was not able to be there that day, but I am so thankful I did see you on Sunday when you knew I was there and we spoke and I kissed your goodbye. To think I almost did not go as I was not sure I wanted to see you like that, but it was fine and you saw me and it was not as bad as I had imagined. I am grateful that I was able to say goodbye while you were concious too. You knew I was there and that I had travelled to see you.
I still talk about you to the boys, telling them that peas are good for your knees, pies are good for your eyes and bread is good for your head – the silly things you used to tell me when I was younger. I am not sure if Burton remembers you, he knows who you are whenever he sees a photo of you but he never asked where you were last Christmas for example when only Nanny was with us. I know this is silly, but I wish he had been better behaved that last time he saw you last October when we visited Mum and went out for a walk. He was full of the terrible three’s and would not walk nicely and kept complaining about having to hold my hand, and was walking so slowly and try as I might he would not do as I asked. Nanny was more sympathetic but I recall clearly hearing you comment about his behaviour and remarking that he was acting worse than my brother had as a toddler (which is so untrue!), and that he was ruining the day. I felt a mixture of hurt, anger and disappointment because knowing how strongly you felt about manners and behaviour in children I was so embarrassed by Burton that day anyway. But to hear you say those words was so deflating. Burton played up like that for several weeks leading up to Christmas last year but it is not a true reflection of him and I hope you understood that deep down. I wish you could have seen him in a better light the final time you ever saw him. I also wish that I had not been feeling cross and disheartened with you after that day. The final time we all saw you well and up and about.
What makes me sad aswell though Na, is that Jenson does not recognise you in photos. It is understandable, I mean he was only 18 months when you died. We were looking at some photos on the iPad just last week, and there was this one of you, Nanny and Burton when the latter was about 9 months old (I love this photo)
and he asked who you were. I told him of course, but I realise that Burton might be the same one day too. And I still have not found a photo of you and Jenson together – that is a BIG regret of mine not to have one of the two of you. I suppose you just think that there is always time.
I hope that if you were still alive, you would be proud of your two grandsons. They are fine boys and yes they can be naughty and head strong but they are ony children and not liuke that all the time. They also both love the outdoors which I know would please you as you had fond memories of your childhood playing outside and I remember lots of stories you told me about those days. You were so good at keeping active, and even until the end of your life, you still walked every day for exercise. I hope I will be as fit as you in my later years.
I will make sure Burton and Jenson know about you Na, as they grow up and I will keep your memory alive as much as I am able.
Oh and your car is still going strong – not that I want to tempt fate – but so far so good, and has been such a help to me.
I will draw this to a close now.
I miss you and love you still.
Jenny xxx
This post was brought to you as part of Flashback Friday
Remember – a flashback can be from any time whether it be yesterday, last week, last month, last year or yesteryear! It can be a flashback of your own, your children, your partner or your friends.
oh what a poignant, honest and emotional letter to your Na Jenny. I still remember when you posted a year ago, it does feel like that year has gone quickly. I hope that it helped writing all your feelings down. Sending you hugs. xx
thank you Katie, it has been on my mind ever since he died to be honest. its amazing how fast a year passes by isnt it? x x
Oh, what a lovely letter. I’m sure he would be very proud of his gorgeous grandsons. If he was still with us then he would have forgotten the ‘bad’ behaviour very quickly once Burton had done something adorable 😉 but I can totally appreciate how rubbish that must feel having that thought.
I can’t believe it was a year ago already. xxxxx
thanks Emma and I am sure he would be too, he was very much a family man and loved us all and was proud of us all. i just wish that last family outing had been different x x
Such a beautiful post Jenny, he sounds like a lovely and headstrong man, perhaps just so very alike to his grandsons?
There is no use in regrets, i know it’s easy to say but you know that deep down right? We always could,should, would have done something differently. It’s not a true reflection of how much love there was/is. Your letter is the true reflection of that 🙂
Ramble, ramble -hope that makes sense! xx
thanks Katie and you are right he was a stubborn man at times so maybe Burton is like him!!
You are right about the regrets, of course you are and i do believe that things happen for a reason. your comment makes perfect sense and I thank you for it x x
Such a heartfelt letter. It got me thinking about when my Gran passed away 12 years ago. She never met my 2 but I know she would have loved them and she would have doted on them. I’m sure your Na felt the same way about Burton and Jenson. My Gran passed away in hospital. She needed morphine so they wouldn’t have let her out but I think she would have preferred to be at home. We travelled from Manchester to Scotland when we heard she’d been taken in and got there on time. I was supposed to appear on SMTV live with Ant and Dec that weekend with my cheerleading group and the first thing she said was “I’m so sorry you’re having to miss your show!” At least your Na is at peace now and I’m sure he’s watching over you all and is very proud.
what a beautiful letter. Im sure he would be very very proud x